Moving in together — for better or worse!
In many couple relationships, there comes a time when one partner raises the question of “moving in.” Living together may seem a natural step to that person, especially if they’ve been a couple for a long while.
This is a serious turning point. Sure, getting a new mattress to share is a good start, but there’s way more to consider when you must change some of your previous daily routines, and instead, must adapt to the habits of another person.
I repeat: You’ll have to adapt … and the same goes for your new live-in partner. Gender, in such cases, doesn’t make a big difference to the realities and changed behaviours involved, when two people have agreed to live in the same home space.
Here are some tips on moving in together to help you start the process:
1. Discuss the changes together, without seeking others’ support as your guide. State exactly which changes in location and/or lifestyle are considered essential to both of you.
If this causes a major row due to differing expectations, take time to discuss more deeply and realistically, the whole matter of cohabiting further.
If the conversation goes awry, talk to a counsellor together, on at least two separate occasions. It should give you both the time to think clearly about your own decision, plus the future.
2. Agree on the location and actual interior (meaning, number of bedrooms, etc.) of where you’ll move together. Then, discuss what each of you will bring to your new shared home, in terms of furniture, kitchen equipment, other gear and home essentials.
If one of you is musical: is there room for instruments despite limited space? If one of you has a pet, will the new place accommodate it?
3. Discuss your bill-sharing plan. For example, will one of you pay hydro, while the other pays for gas, or will you just split everything in half? Or, even still, if your incomes aren’t equal, will you divide the bills appropriately? Then there is the discussion of chores: are you each responsible for your own laundry, or will one of you take on that task while the other agrees to take on another?
4. Take a private moment for yourself, alone, to consider what you’d do in case of a breakup.
Besides the above considerations, be prepared to recognize aspects of your new live-in love’s behavioural oddities. Don’t think for a minute that there’s always a gender issue here, because you’d be wrong. One first-timer moving in with his girlfriend, had grown up in a family that loved cats. He was used to being with pets in the home. But imagine his surprise when his partner brought her yappy chihuahua to bed and snuggled the dog beneath the covers!
Here’s another crazy story of a live-in partner who wouldn’t take their clothes off before getting into bed. And a doctor who insisted on having separate twin beds, spaced apart, to always be ready to leap out at night to save lives, and not wanting to disturb the other person. And many more …
So, if you’re considering a new live-in arrangement, here are some reality-check questions to discuss with yourself only:
Do you have a flexible outlook? Will it be OK if your live-in lover attends a gym every morning at 6:30 am, waking you, despite that your own work-from-home routine allows you to sleep longer? In other words, is your personal clock adjustable to such a situation?
The worst thing you can do when considering having a loved one move in with you is to just ignore the kinds of bubbling issues described above.
And know this: It’s not always any one gender or the factor of one person initiating the idea to move in together, that sometimes puts the cohabitants at odds with each other. After all, when we consider how many people from different backgrounds and previous family customs are living in or trying to create newly formed relationships, it’s crucial to remember that the ultimate goal is to create happy connections together.
Remember that it’s crucial to speak up immediately about behaviours that upset you. If they’re repeated, check the true intention of the potential partner.
So, dear readers, after years of hearing about the problems many of you have had, especially when trying to create a shared relationship, home and lifestyle, I encourage you to lift the spirits of all and tell us about your most humorous surprises after having moved in with a partner. I’ll print what I find to be the best ones that I receive, without any actual names or identifying information.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto.
